Guilt or Shame? There is a Difference

A recent study conducted on the power of self-labels asked participants to decide whether or not to take money they hadn’t earned. One group was told the study aimed to eliminate cheating on college campuses; the other group was told the study aimed to eliminate cheaters. In general, participants for whom the decision was framed as cheating were much more likely to take money than those who believed they’d be cheaters.

What’s the big difference between “cheating” and “cheaters?” The answer—as well as the study’s outcome—has a lot to do with the distinction between shame and guilt. “Cheating” describes what you’re doing, while “cheater” describes who you are. Shame and guilt work in parallel ways: if you’re feeling guilty, you’re concerned about your behavior. If you’re feeling shame, your discontent is tied up in who you are as a person.

What is guilt?

Guilt has to do with the way you process your actions—what you’ve done, what you’ve failed to do, and how those things affected the people in your life. You can be wholly accepting of yourself, and still feel guilt.

Guilt can sound like this:

“I feel terrible that I had to let my employee go.”

“I said something hurtful to a close friend, and wish I could make it right.”

“It’s really bothering me that I didn’t pick up the phone when my mother called.”

Researcher Brene Brown believes guilt is a helpful tool. Guilt simply means that you’ve measured an action against your personal values and beliefs, and discovered friction. Feelings of guilt compel you to live consistently and in a way that feels right to you. Guilt tells you that the connections you have with other people really matter.

What is shame?

Shame is a belief that you’re fundamentally unworthy of love and support. Shame boils up out of fear: you’re afraid of being emotionally vulnerable, you’re afraid that you don’t deserve real connection with others, or you’re afraid you’re not yet whole.

Shame sounds like this:

“I’ll start dating when I fix this list of things I think are wrong with me.”

“If I make a mistake, I won’t be able to live with myself.”

“I don’t want to be close to anyone because I don’t want anyone to know who I really am.”

In short, shame tells you that you’re not good enough. Shame misleads you, telling you that if you’ve been mistreated or neglected, the reason has to do with you. Shame feels the same no matter who you are. You believe your flaws are fatal.

Shame perpetuates the harmful myths that you can’t be vulnerable, that you have to hold in your pain forever, and that the only way to live without negative self-directed feelings is to numb them. Large amounts of shame often coexist with aggression toward others, eating disorders, suicide, and addiction.

What’s the antidote to shame?

If you’re unable to extend a compassionate hand to yourself, it’s hard to have the time or emotional energy to feel compassionate toward others. Shame is also harmful for other reasons: In the attempt to numb your bad feelings, you might just numb the good ones too.

Brene Brown believes the most powerful responses to shame are empathy and vulnerability—allowing yourself to be truly seen without knowing or being able to control the outcome. Vulnerability is often mistakenly linked to weakness, but in reality, the opposite is true; opening up to yourself and others is a courageous emotional risk to take. Looking into a realistic mirror requires having strength and compassion to not condemn what you see—an internal well that you can learn to tap into and appreciate.

Coping with the "Invisible Disease" Fibromyalgia? Therapy Can Help

The mystery surrounding the arrival of fibromyalgia and the realities of living with it have confounded health professionals and scientists. If you have fibromyalgia, you might have heard, “your pain isn’t real,” or “there’s no cause for your pain.” Maybe you’ve even encountered doctors who don’t know how to treat you.

Facing disbelief and skepticism when you’re reaching out for help can be tremendously disheartening. After being met with what feels like silence, you could understandably feel disillusioned, angry, or alone.

Fibromyalgia is different from health disorders like arthritis, cancer, or diabetes in the sense that you might come to believe you’re only imagining your condition. “What’s wrong with me?” you might think.

So how can therapy help?

In cases of fibromyalgia, one of the primary goals of a therapist is to acknowledge and help you accept that the pain you’re feeling truly is real. That the causes and symptoms of fibromyalgia are still murky does not mean that causes and symptoms do not exist. A good therapist means to be an ally in a journey that can feel just too treacherous to venture alone.

Like many aspects of living with fibromyalgia, it’s not yet understood whether depression and anxiety occur alongside the disorder, or whether depression and anxiety occur in the wake of chronic pain. What is understood is that when you feel bad emotionally, the sleepless nights, sharp pains, and mental fog of fibromyalgia become worse.

When you’re not sleeping and everything hurts, it really helps to be able to turn to someone else for help with the emotional struggles that coincide with fibromyalgia. A therapist can help you cope in a few ways: you can begin to come to terms with the dramatic changes your life has undergone, you can practice happier and more productive lines of thinking, and you can brainstorm practical ways of managing fibromyalgia’s effects.

In therapy you can also begin to sort through stresses that are making the possibility of healthier living seem remote. Perhaps painful memories or vivid worries compound your pain in the struggle to fall asleep. Maybe you’ve struggled around your relationship with food and are finding it too difficult to eat well. It makes sense that in the experience of a disorder that makes everything feel like it hurts, what seem like normal hurdles can loom larger than life in your visions of the future.

Because fibromyalgia affects your ability to feel joy, pleasure, and hope, and because no one seems to fully understand it, the relationships that matter to you the most can face unique challenges. With a therapist you can explore what your own needs are when it comes to your friends’ and family’s support. You can begin to see how your own pain is affecting your loved ones and how they too can learn to cope.

There are many different ways going to therapy can help soothe the emotional wounds created by chronic pain, but perhaps the central benefit of seeking counseling for fibromyalgia is being able to talk about your experience with the condition. Little is known about fibromyalgia, and you’ve probably heard dozens of conflicting and possibly unhelpful responses to your experience from friends, coworkers, and doctors. It makes sense that you might feel confused, low, and unsure where to turn.

The chronic pain of fibromyalgia affects everyone differently; there’s no one-size-fits-all formula for coming to terms with what you’re going through. By talking about what you’re feeling, you begin to learn more about yourself and gain insight into what the painful changes wrought by fibromyalgia mean to you. You don’t have to struggle with the weight of fibromyalgia alone.
 

Women, Take These Steps to Cope with Migraines

There’s no doubt that suffering from migraines hurts. What can hurt just as much is the struggle to explain the life-altering episodes of pain to your boss, your doctors, and your loved ones. Migraines are unique for each person experiencing them; however, if you’ve lived with migraines for long, you likely have a few things in common with the millions of others who also live with the condition.

· Your migraines have forced you to be strict with yourself—you avoid having alcoholic beverages, go to bed early every night, restrict certain foods, and live in fear of the pain returning. Maybe you feel like you’re missing out.

· You’ve tried what feels like a hundred different treatments, yet still find yourself in a cool, dark room waiting out the storm.

· You feel guilty about the family gatherings, and workdays, your pain has forced you to miss. You start to get down on yourself, and may feel depressed.

Relatively little is known about where migraines come from, and why you get them, so it isn’t always easy to start effectively treating your migraines right away. It’s also possible that the people in your life don’t grasp the severity of your pain. It helps to remember that despite all the mystery surrounding these nasty headaches, the pain you’re feeling is real.

What is known about migraines?

· Migraines affect nearly three times as many women as men.

· Nearly 15% of migraines appear just before the menstrual cycle begins.

· Migraines do respond to different coping strategies. The hard part is finding out what works for you.

Steps you can take to cope with migraines

Talk to your doctor – There are various medications available to you that help reduce and treat migraines. Talking to your doctor gives you an ally in your struggle. If your migraines are related to getting your period, a doctor can help you find ways to balance hormonal fluctuations. Your doctor may refer you to a neurologist who specializes in headache pain management. Alternative treatments such as acupuncture and EMDR Therapy can also be helpful in treating and controlling migraine headache pain.

Reduce stress – Emotional and physical stress could be contributing factors when migraines persist. There are many different ways to reduce stress. Don’t feel guilty about making your own wellbeing a priority. If you’re at a desk looking at a computer for long periods of time, make a point of getting up, and stretching your legs. If your life at home and at work is stressful, practice deep breathing, and set aside time to unwind.

Stay healthy – Exercise, sleep, and nutrition are often the three biggest cornerstones of learning to cope with migraines. Eating regular meals every day and developing a consistent sleep schedule can harmonize your body and stave off the unbearable pain. Staying healthy is often an exercise in practical thinking—schedule an afternoon walk, avoid watching TV before bed, and give yourself enough time to eat breakfast each morning.

Know your triggers – In some cases, rigorous exercise, such as jogging or running, sets off migraine headaches. If this is the case for you, trying something like yoga or brisk walking can help you adapt and continue much-needed exercise. Undiscovered food allergies are another common culprit. Consider what foods you ate before each migraine’s onset; noticing patterns can help make life a lot easier for you in the long run. Migraine triggers can range from hormones to medications to too much sleep. Your trigger may not be a single thing, but may be several contributors with the last one putting you over a trigger threshold. Knowing the contributing triggers to  your migraines start can help you avoid or manage those triggers.

Reach out – Living with migraines can be very isolating. Many migraine sufferers feel discouraged. Consider admitting others entrance into your struggle. Seeking out migraine support groups, or the help of a therapist, might finally allow you to see that things really can get better.

Infertility: Let Therapy Keep You From Drowning in a Flood of Emotions

If you and your partner have been struggling to have children, you know how deeply the painful roots of infertility sink into your life. The hurt you feel isn’t confined within the walls of your home. You also have to consider who you want to tell, how much you want to tell them, how to cope with seeing your friends’ growing families, and getting yourself and your partner through treatment .

You can handle the difficult conversations, and you’ve managed the discomfort and sadness, but you weren’t prepared for what feels like an endless wait. Will this horrible state of limbo last forever?

If you’re feeling too small to bear the immense weight of infertility on your own, know that you’re not going crazy. Feeling a flood of emotions is to be expected, when it seems like your plans for a family are veering off course. No one prepares you for the possibility of not being able to get pregnant. This isn’t how things are supposed to go.

What do you do?

You might not think of going to a therapist to talk about infertility issues, but a qualified therapist can help you navigate the many emotions you are experiencing. Maybe you feel like your personal needs take a backseat during such a stressful time. Maybe you’re so focused on finding a solution that you push your emotions away—“feeling like this isn’t helping,” you might think.

In truth, what you’re feeling does matter. How you cope with the stress of infertility will determine how the experience will change you in the end. A therapist is uniquely qualified to help you mine answers from the expanse of impossible questions about what infertility means for you.

– Struggling with infertility can change a lot of things: how you see yourself, how you see your partner, and how you relate to those around you. It can help to have a counselor’s guidance, as you learn to adapt to a new kind of reality. What do you need to know about learning to cope? How can you and your partner help each other adapt?

– When the possibility of not getting pregnant first begins to dawn, the plans and dreams you’ve shared with your partner fade into a murkier picture. What will you do? Who will you be together? A therapist is a great sounding board for your uncertainties; moving forward can begin to seem less daunting with sensitive emotional guidance.

– You and your partner may handle infertility in different ways. It’s possible that difficulty having children will bring out submerged feelings of inadequacy. Maybe you aren’t sure how to comfort your spouse. Maybe your emotional reaction to infertility is too great for your partner to answer on his own. Even if you and your spouse are a really great team, things can come up in infertility that need special attention.

– In the struggle to start a family, you might feel so exhausted and drained that you don’t even realize how painful this time is for you. Maybe you just feel numb. Seeing a therapist during such a tumultuous time in your relationship—and your life—can help you recognize infertility for what it is: an emotional roller coaster that may include feelings of sadness, loss, grief, anger, helplessness, hopelessness, shame, and more.

– It’s a normal reaction to feel guilt or shame when you can’t have children, but the truth is that it’s not your fault. You did not ask for this. The truth of your blamelessness can be hard to accept on your own. Maybe you’re shutting yourself off from your partner because you’re afraid. A therapist can help you see the situation in a different light. Once you let yourself off the hook, conversations with your partner about how you’re handling infertility become a lot easier—and be more productive.

You Never Imagined You Would Be Divorced - Now What?

From getting swept off your feet to being swept out of the way, an unforeseen divorce can be the most destabilizing and traumatizing experience you’ve ever had. It changes everything.

Here are some things to consider, avoid, and do, in order to come out of it stronger and taller.

SUPPORT. Being self-reliant and confident is important in every aspect of life, but support is crucial. From friends, family, support groups, and therapists, there is an infinite source of help out there, ready to guide you through the tough times.

Divorce will raise all types of emotions and fears you might not have been prepared for, but with the proper loving support, you will be able to face these challenges, deal with them, and move forward.

REFRAIN from the “I’ll show you this was a mistake” attitude. Whether tactics to win him back, or resentment and grudges, the games often played during and after divorce rarely lead to happy endings.

The best thing you can do, even if this feels like a heart-wrenching injustice, is to accept the situation, and re-focus all that energy toward taking care of yourself and planning your new future.

WHAT IFs. It might take years for you to stop rehashing all the details of what went wrong, or how you could have saved your marriage. But these thoughts are not reality — they are holding you back. Revisit the past only to learn about yourself and your mistakes, nothing else.

Stay in the moment, as best you can.

DON’T BE A VICTIM. Even if it feels like you are being victimized, your mindset while facing this life-changing event will greatly determine your success at getting back on your feet.

Feeling sorry for yourself might help you prove a point to a friend, or get a good cry on someone’s shoulder, but it would be best to empower yourself instead and focus on moving forward.

FIND YOURSELF. See this as an opportunity to reinvent yourself. Find new hobbies and activities. Find your strengths, your core values, and beliefs. Revisit everything you might have shoved to the side or neglected while married.

IMPULSIVE DECISIONS. If you feel a sudden rush to do something eccentric or out of character, do yourself a favor and sit on it for a day or two.

When emotions are running high, you need to slow down and create space in your thoughts and actions in order to live your emotions fully and move slowly in the right direction.

DANGEROUS BAND-AIDS. Alcohol, drugs, sleeping pills, many of these could at first seem perfect to help you cope. The reality is that any of these substances will numb your pain temporarily, only to bring it back with a boost once sober, creating a dangerous cycle of dependence.

While one drink can be pleasant, remember you are more vulnerable than usual at this time.

EMPTINESS. The routine, noises, and activities suddenly stop. You can even find yourself missing the very things that used to bother you the most.

Humans have a tendency to thrive on familiarity. Try to accept that these feelings are part of the process and they will pass.

CHILDREN. Raising children is a lifetime contract. Married or not, you will have to interact and raise your children together.

Avoid putting your children in a situation of having to choose one parent over another, or feel guilty to love you both. Children should be able to continue a healthy relationship with both parents.

You will teach your children the invaluable life lesson that even if the world crumbles around them unexpectedly, they can resolve it peacefully.

Most importantly take care of yourself. Life as you knew it came and went, but therein lies your opportunity to grow stronger and healthier and slowly build a better tomorrow. Every step counts, even the occasional setback.

The one person you should always be able to count on is yourself.

7 Ways to Bring Affection Back Into Your Relationship

We’re all guilty of it. We shove things and people to the side, trying to keep up with life’s constant demands and obligations, and we end up neglecting the ones we love the most. Other times, it’s a cold breeze of conflicts that settles in, putting our head battles ahead of our hearts, and the gap grows, leaving affection out of the equation.

In an ideal world we would never lose focus on our partner or ourselves, but when we do, the sooner we realize it the better. Here are some simple ways you and your partner can bring affection back into your relationship.

1. Think soft

Our reality is harsh. We never stop. We build a strong self in order to make it through the day, almost in constant survival mode.

Affection on the other hand, requires us to be calm, soft, gentle, caring, and compassionate. Before you can turn this affection into a more tangible change in your relationship, you need to tune your mind first.

Take a moment to look at your partner and find that sweet side you’ve always loved about him or her, or a special moment you’ve had with one another. Cherish the memory and let yourself smile. You just found your soft side again.

2. Touch

A simple loving touch as you walk by or a gentle kiss on the cheek as you cook, can happily surprise your loved one and recreate the magic you once had. Hold hands on occasion when walking. Keep the physical connection alive.

3. Get closer

In addition to the occasional touch, make time in the morning, in front of the TV, or in bed at night, to snuggle with your partner. It doesn’t have to lead to anything more than just soaking up the great feeling of being together, comfortable.

Another important aspect of closeness we often take for granted is eye contact. We talk while looking at our phones, checking the weather on the computer, while cooking, or walking into another room. The truth is, we forget to dive deep into our partner’s eyes and truly acknowledge his or her presence.

4. Have a good laugh

Laughter is therapeutic. It releases stress and makes us forget about our concerns and worries. It brings back the joy in the relationship. Find the type of humor that makes you both laugh, and rent a movie or watch a stand-up comedy show, anything that will make you both laugh out loud together.

5. Be best friends

Forget that your loved one is your spouse for a minute, and see him or her as your friend. Bring back the unconditional level of caring, kindness, and compassion you once felt for each other. Take time to truly listen, be patient and loving.

6. Break the routine

Routine has a way of sinking its teeth into every pleasure we once enjoyed. Break the cycle and do something out of the ordinary.

It can be something you used to do together, or something completely different that you’ve always wanted to try. It doesn’t have to be grandiose, or require travels around the world; it just needs some sparks, rejuvenation, and novelty.

7. Go on a date

Plan an official date with each other. Dress up, be on time, no excuses. Avoid any conversations about how tired you are or how stressed you feel; treat it as your first date, when first impressions were everything. Why not flirt even! Get the heat and mystery back on the plate!

Overall, simplify your life and your relationship and go back to basics. Don’t look up to your partner to make you feel good; start by taking care of yourself and your own happiness so you are desirable and pleasant to be around. Then bring all that good energy and self-confidence into reconnecting with your loved one.

The most wonderful moments are always the simplest. Cherish one another.

10 Things You MUST Do if You Have Been Sexually Assaulted

You are shattered by pain and fear. Sharing this frightful and horrendous violation of your being would mean accepting defeat and weakness. You may fear judgment or the retaliation of your assailant, so you painfully hide in the dark.

You may feel as if you are the only one going through such brutal degradation, but alarming statistics show otherwise:
 

• In the United States, a person is sexually assaulted every 2 minutes

• There are over 237,000 victims of sexual assaults each year

• 60% of sexual assaults are NOT reported

• 2/3 of assaults are committed by someone the victim knows

• 97% of perpetrators will never go to jail

Sadly, your instinct to keep it a secret and agonize in silence only brings you additional pain, loneliness, and anxiety. As difficult and impossible as it may seem, reaching out for help is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself.

Here are 10 things you MUST do if you have been sexually assaulted:

1. Get to a safe place and ask for support

Retreat to a safe place, away from your attacker. Immediately call a friend or trusted family member for moral support. If you are not ready to tell anyone you know, contact an Austin-area organization such SafePlace (512-267-SAFE) or Hope Alliance (1-800-460-SAFE). If you are not in the Austin area, contact the national organization, RAINN, for a referral to services in your area or for anonymous support (1-800-656-HOPE).
 
You should never go through this alone.

2. Preserve evidence

Though you might feel the urge to take a shower, wash your clothes, or eliminate anything that reminds you of that horrific event, doing so would remove all chances of bringing you justice. Also refrain from eating or drinking anything until you have been examined.

3. Get medical care

The last thing you want at this time is to be examined, that is highly understandable. On the other hand, you need to make sure you remain healthy and safe from STDs and pregnancy.

Hospitals normally have a sexual assault nurse examiner (SANE) do an assessment and examination, but if you suspect having been drugged, let them know so they can add a urine test as well.

4. Report the crime immediately

Report the crime as soon as possible, making sure you have good moral support while doing so. The trauma you have been through has most likely happened to someone else before you, and will surely happen again, unless it’s reported.

5. Write everything down

Writing is therapeutic. Writing down all the details you remember will not only help a possible investigation, it will also allow you to safely get everything out of your system and begin to process your trauma.

6. Seek counseling

Seek professional help to cope with this tragic event. No one is born equipped to deal with this on his or her own. A safe and confidential support system is your best chance for a healthy recovery.

7. Watch out for PTSD

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a sneaky result of highly traumatic situations and often comes days or even weeks after the assault. You may feel as if you recovered fairly well, only to be hit by depression, suicidal thoughts, paranoia, or other unwanted behaviors and emotions you’ve never had before. Speak to someone if you start experiencing unusual symptoms.

8. Remember: It is not your fault

While recovering from your assault, remind yourself that you didn’t do anything to deserve this and it wasn’t your fault.

9. Join a Support Group

Surround yourself with people that truly understand what you’ve been through. Your friends and family may be able to offer emotional support, but support group individuals will truly understand your situation.

10. Take care of yourself

Listen to your thoughts, your emotions, and your body and take good care of yourself. It is time to empower and nurture all aspects of who you are. Once you’re ready, you might even consider taking a self-defense class, or volunteer with sexual assault awareness organizations to turn this traumatic event into a positive, awareness raising, and caring project for you and others around you.

What is PTSD and How is it Treated?

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder affects more than 5 million people each year in the United States alone. Any traumatic event, the loss of a loved one, going to war, an assault, abuse, an accident, or a major disaster, can be the trigger for this paralyzing anxiety problem. PTSD doesn’t always show up right away; the symptoms can take days, weeks, even years to appear.

PTSD Can Be Unpredictable

PTSD does not always reveal itself in the same way or within a predictable timeframe. For example: A first responder helped emergency crews at a fatal car accident, in which a drunk driver hit and killed a 17 year-old boy. During the emergency, the responder’s adrenaline kicked in, he had no time to cry or feelhis emotions. After the event, his anger, sadness and frustration surfaced from witnessing such an atrocity, but aside from that, his emotions were minimal and under control. Three weeks later during lunch break, the same first responder flips thru a magazine in which a man’s cologne is advertised. The smell of the cologne hits him hard: it’s the same cologne the 17-year-old boy was wearing on that tragic night. The scent of the young man’s cologne triggers such a strong emotional response in the responder that he has to leave work, unable to stop crying.

This type of delayed response is common and, because of the time lapse or the strange onset, it might not be seen as PTSD. Recognizing the signs of PTSD is critical, even if they occur long after the tragedy.

Do I Have PTSD?

Post-traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms may take months and even years to reveal themselves. If you have been through something that caused you great emotional distress, keep an eye out for unusual symptoms like these:

1. Reliving Symptoms
 

• You can’t stop reliving the event

• You start having nightmares

• You experience unusual triggers that remind you of the event (smells, sounds, sights)

2. Hypersensitivity Symptoms
 

• You’re always on alert and watching out for potential dangers

• You’re unable to stop talking, or have difficulty focusing

• You’re easily irritable

• You’re highly reactive to loud or sudden sounds

• You have difficulty sleeping

3. Avoidance Symptoms
 

• You act as if nothing happened

• You avoid certain situations or locations (crowds, driving, certain subjects)

4. Behavioral Symptoms
 

• You seclude yourself from others

• You refuse to talk about the event

• You have a loss of faith in religion, people, or life in general

• You’re no longer interested in your work, school, or hobbies

How Do I Treat It?

Unlike other situations, PTSD needs more than time to resolve itself and the symptoms rarely go away on their own. If the symptoms stick around for more than a month, or if they severely impact your normal day-to-day life, do not wait. Reach out to a health care professional.

In addition, look for a therapist who is trained in EMDR* therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). EMDR is a treatment protocol that is highly successful in treating PTSD and other anxiety disorders. The EMDR therapist gently guides you to safely revisit the memories and emotions of the traumatic event(s), unlocking the negative feelings and emotions associated the event, and allowing your brain to reprocess the experience objectively, neutralizing your negative responses to the event.

PTSD is a cry for help. Since we are often the last one to recognize a change in our behavior, it is important to share the traumatic event with a trusted friend or family member who can keep a good eye on you and watch for PTSD symptoms that might otherwise slip under your radar.

Same Argument, Different Day? Break the Cycle!

Let’s face it, bickering is exhausting and rarely leads to a peaceful resolution. When the same subjects spark up a fire every single time, as unlikely as it sounds, it might have become an unconscious habit in your relationship and it’s a habit that needs to be broken.

Arguments happen for a reason, ignoring them and sweeping them under the rug won’t help anyone. Before anything can be solved, you and your spouse need to break the cycle of repeated arguments.

Pause

The first, most simple trick may be the hardest. In the heat of an argument, or before it escalates, take a pause, take a deep breath, and hold your comebacks for a few seconds. Just listen. Avoid using this pause to prepare your next attack or to send verbal cues of your disapproval, just pause and try to relax.

It might sound very easy to do, but we are programmed to retort quickly at a false accusation — or anything aimed at us — which often times it only makes matters worse.

If the pause seems to aggravate your partner, make sure to reassure him or her, that you are simply listening to their point of view.

Stay Neutral

During an argument, try to detach yourself as if listening to a friend. The argument will be personal and it might be very uncomfortable to stand there and not defend yourself, however, by staying unbiased you will be able to truly hear your partner and what he or she is trying to communicate.

If you do not fight back with your partner, it might feel as if you are letting him or her win, but you’re not, you are simply diffusing the heat so both of you can eventually be heard. Remember that staying neutral doesn’t mean you disregard your partner’s or your own feelings, it just means stepping out of ‘personal’ and stepping into ‘togetherness’.

Catch The Pattern

If at all possible, try to see the pattern of the argument before it ignites. If this is a repeated argument, you should be able to become aware of what triggers the conflict and heated discussion and catch it before it starts.

You may want to tell your partner that you feel the conversation may lead to an argument and would prefer to talk about it calmly so you can both listen to one another, or wait until both of you are calm. Hopefully, your effort will be shared and both of you can hold off on the conversation, or continue more peacefully.

Discover The Underlying Reason

The difficulty in repeated and heated arguments is to clearly identify the real cause for the arguments. Chances are, the true problem is not about the late hours at work, but more about a feeling of neglect or not being important enough; it is also rarely about the wet towels left on the bathroom floor, but more about feeling that you are the only one taking care of the house.

See your conflicts as symptoms instead of seeing them as the cause of all your troubles. Just like catching a cold, you may have to treat the symptoms in order to feel better and get through the day, but if you don’t start working towards a healthier you, the next cold might be right around the corner waiting for you, just like the same old conflicts will rise in any given occasion until you break the cycle.

No matter what the arguments are about, take some time alone, or together, to reflect on the real emotions that bring up the conflicts. Assess how you feel about the relationship, the routines, and your life in general; you may discover a whole new perspective as to why you tend to fight about the same things repeatedly. Look within and stop pointing fingers, stop looking for who’s right and who’s wrong because when it comes to emotions and feelings, they exist for a reason and need caring attention.

My Spouse is Addicted - How Can I Help?

You might have heard these well intentioned words from your spouse more than once: “I am sorry, I promise I will stop.” Unfortunately, no matter how sincere your partner is about fixing the problem, addiction is a serious disease that cannot be cured overnight. Though no one can solve the issue other than your spouse, there are still some ways you can help.

Loving Support

As long as the relationship is not abusive or threatening, being there to support your spouse is one of the most important things you can do to help. Your loving presence can help your spouse find the strength and courage to face the difficult ups and downs of the recovery process.

Stay Informed

Research the type of addiction your spouse is struggling with; understanding what he or she is going through can help you keep a cool mind during the tough times.

For example, you might get frustrated and angry when promises for a better tomorrow are broken when the addiction flares up again and messes everything up. However, once you understand that addiction is a disease that alters your spouse’s reasoning capabilities, it allows more room for compassion and less for judgment.

Stay Healthy

Watching helplessly as your loved-one paves the path to self-destructive behaviors can be absolutely heart breaking, even depressing at times. You will not be able to change your spouse or fix the problem. You can, however, make sure to take care of yourself, staying emotionally strong, healthy, and happy, in order to pull through the tougher moments. Your life cannot revolve around your spouse’s addiction. Your role is one of support; you need to feel grounded and stable in order to help.

Eliminate Denial

Most addicts are in denial about their problem. If you tend to cover for your spouse and make excuses for missed appointments, missed workdays, or neglected responsibilities, you are only aggravating his or her denial.

By facing the facts and not covering for your spouse, you are saying that you see the problem and no one can pretend it doesn’t exist. This may also help your partner do the same. Admitting to the problem is the first big step in recovery.

Interventions

Addiction is a disease that gets worse if left untreated. If your spouse refuses to get help, an intervention may be needed. You could gather friends and close family members to gently express your concerns to your spouse as a group. However, if the situation becomes critical, or if anyone’s safety is compromised, more serious measures may be required, such as a crisis therapist, or law enforcement agencies.

Meetings & Counseling

Overcoming addictions is extremely difficult, and so is living with someone who is addicted. No matter what the addiction is, reaching out to support groups, 12-step groups, and a counselor is an important step to help you both cope with the difficult challenges presented by addiction. Groups and counselors can help you process your feelings and emotions and lessen the feelings of isolation and loneliness in your relationship. 

Aside from the addiction recovery process, your relationship is likely to withstand a great amount of stress and discomfort, tearing at the seams of what you once loved and cherished about each other. Couples counseling is highly recommended in order to rebuild and maintain the trust and confidence in your partnership, and in each other.

Conclusion

If your spouse is not ready to admit to the addiction, or is unwilling to take action to put an end to it, no matter how hard you invest yourself in the solution, it will not work. The prime motivation for a better life has to come from your spouse, then you become the helping hand keeping your partner loved and on the right path. Addiction recovery is not an easy journey, but with professional help, determination, love, and support, it is possible to overcome it, and bring stability back to your relationship.

Mutual Fondness and Admiration Keeps Relationships Healthy

In the early days of a romantic relationship, the telltale signs of love are hard to miss—excitement, laughter, and a hunger to get to know each other and to spend time together. As your relationship grows and matures, you fall into quieter, more sustainable rhythms. Years into your marriage, you and your spouse might care more deeply for each other than ever before, yet find the signs of that admiration harder to read.

Arguments are inevitable. Conflicts can appear like fissures in your partnership, drawing you apart. Wounds caused by heated words, or things left unsaid, can grow inside the distances between you.

You might find yourself surprised by thoughts like, “marriage is hard.”

Dr. John Gottman, renowned psychotherapist and researcher, believes that a healthy relationship is one in which mutual fondness and admiration are the safety net that opens up when conflict introduces a wedge in your marriage. Fondness keeps your heart open when you’re angry. Admiration nudges you to listen when you’re feeling wronged.

Fondness and admiration ensure that even when the going gets tough, love is still an undercurrent that runs strong and steady in your marriage.

Why are Fondness and Admiration so Important?

Seeing an elderly couple walk down the street holding hands brings a smile to almost every face. Why is that? After years and years of living together, they’re still facing life side-by-side. They still admire one another. They’re still fond of each other.

Marriage can be difficult because you come to see the full picture of your spouse, and your spouse sees the full picture of you. You become deeply accustomed to one another. You’re fully aware of each other’s flaws, or your failures under pressure.

Fondness and admiration are so important because they signal an essentially positive attitude toward your partner and your life together—even after all this time. When the rush of young love fades into something deeper, fondness and admiration act as the adhesive that binds you together. When you genuinely like your partner and feel cared for yourself, it’s easier to navigate tricky emotional terrain as a team. In fact, in navigating that terrain, you’ve likely grown closer together.

Contempt Corrodes

Disagreement doesn’t have to be a distress signal in your marriage. There will be times when miscommunication about chores, holiday plans, or expectations crop up unavoidably. Differences in opinion can even enrich your relationship, expanding your outlook and keeping you flexible.

Conflict alerts you to trouble in your marriage when it exposes patterns of contempt. Sarcasm, name-calling, and eye-rolling are all ways of responding to conflict that convey condescension. If contemptuous communication begins to dominate your marital exchanges, your bond can start to suffer.

If your partner rolls his eyes at you, you might feel more tempted to throw something back at him than open yourself up and listen. When he hears your retort, his instinct will likely also be combative.

Communicating with contempt says, “I’m better than you,” or “you’re not good enough.” Contempt demonstrates that your essential view of your relationship is negative. The core of your bond might not feel like love anymore—it might just feel like hurt.

The Antidote

If you don’t have a positive view of your partner, a disagreement as small as who was supposed to unload the dishwasher can come to seem catastrophic. In the flickering half-light of contempt, little missteps morph into dark shadows that obscure how you once felt about your spouse.

Contempt encourages you to face conflict as individuals; fondness and admiration ensure that you face conflict as a team. Regularly tapping into the fondness and admiration you have for your partner will help you look at conflict in terms of how you can get past it together.

What is a "Bid for Connection" and How Can It Strengthen Your Relationship?

An emotional bid is an idea observed by marriage researcher John Gottman, and describes an essential element of intimacy in a great relationship: a request to connect. A bid for connection is reaching out to your partner when you want to maintain, enrich, or reestablish the emotional bond you share. A bid could be anything from inviting your partner to join in on a personal hobby or passion, to simply asking, “How was your day?”

The two halves of every bid for connection

After observing countless couples in relationship, and following up with couples years later, Gottman found that for those who stayed happily united, successful emotional bidding occurred 87% of the time. In relationships that eventually ended, or dragged on unhappily, successful emotional bids only occurred about a third of the time.

So what makes a bid for connection “successful”? When you respond to your partner’s bid by turning toward him emotionally, opening yourself up to his attempt to connect, you’ve succeeded together at placing trust and connection at the center of the life you share.

Responding positively to your partner’s emotional bid relates to a crucial element of a good relationship: kindness. An attitude of kindness means that you’re always scanning the emotional landscape for something to feel grateful about. It makes sense that responding kindly to most attempts to connect would make you and your partner feel like united.

You can turn toward your partner during an emotional bid by listening to and engaging with him. If your partner loves gardening, and points out a beautiful garden you pass, it’s an emotional bid to bring you into a part of his world he values. When you respond by taking an interest in the garden too, your relationship benefits.

Emotional bidding and kindness are most difficult—and probably most important—during conflict. If the foundation of your relationship is trust and love, you’ll likely see flashes of intimacy and affection even when you’re at odds, or even angry. If emotional bids aren’t extended, or go unmet over a long period of time, conflicts can instead become defined by criticism and derision—who can hurt the other the most.

Why is emotional bidding important?

When it comes to how safe you feel within your relationship, the quality of the attention you and your partner pay to one another daily matters deeply. It might seem strange that something as small as asking your partner what he’s thinking about will determine how happy your relationship stays over time, but the small things done frequently will make a positive impact on your partnership.

If your partner doesn’t make emotional bids for your affection and attention, or if you fail to respond to his bids, and turn back to whatever you were doing, your connection suffers. Rather than building a strong connection with your partner, disconnection and doubt are fostered. Even though you’re living in a committed relationship, you feel alone.

A bid can be a light touch, or asking your partner if he’s heard about something you saw on the news. You might not even recognize what you’re doing as emotionally powerful—after all, you’re not discussing your deepest feelings, or agreeing on deeply held value systems. In truth, emotional bids are so important because they’re a thermometer reading that answers the question, “How are we doing?”

Couples - How to Approach Those Difficult Conversations

One of the most common problems that drives couples to seek counseling is communication breakdown. It makes sense; broken communication can be really hard to piece back together on your own.

Maybe you and your partner argue frequently, you walk on eggshells to avoid a fight, or the air in your home crackles with tension. Maybe there is a shadow looming over your relationship that neither of you is eager to acknowledge.


An inability to communicate with your partner obscures the trust and intimacy your relationship needs to survive. You care deeply for your partner, but you’re increasingly frustrated in your attempts to uncover that love during times of emotionally-driven conflict, defensiveness, and silence.

When it comes to communication in your relationship, the stakes are high. Knowing this, how can you approach a difficult conversation you know needs to happen? The answer: Avoid harsh start-up.

The Harsh Start-Up

Researcher John Gottman’s term, “harsh start-up,” refers to the hurtful approach and first words of a combative discussion. What’s the big deal about a harsh start-up?

Because both you and your partner need to feel safe and cared for in your relationship, the words you choose when you’re talking to your partner really do matter. A perceived verbal attack can elicit a response that has less to do with answering your complaint, and more to do with defensiveness and throwing the hurt right back at you.

In other words, how you approach a sensitive issue with your partner can determine how well you will listen to one other. Of course, when you’re stuck having the same argument for a month or longer, or you’ve been holding in resentments for fear of setting your partner off, acidic words come much more easily than the kind ones.

Gottman and his team of researchers discovered that most conversations beginning with harsh start-up end negatively, and without resolution.

Imagine that your partner addressed an issue in your relationship, starting with, “You are always selfish,” or “Your problem is this.” You would likely feel an emotional wound opening up right away. Maybe you’d respond defensively, refusing the idea that you’ve played a role in your relationship problems. Maybe you would become contemptuous toward your partner. Perhaps, you would build a wall around yourself in protection, too emotionally overwhelmed to contribute to any kind of discussion.

Whatever your partner’s initial intentions, his or her first chosen words on the subject have brought you both into fight-or-flight territory—not a place you want to be when you’re in a relationship for the long-haul.

The Antidote to Harsh Start-Up

While taking a moment to choose your words carefully can be difficult when you’re hurt or angry, taking a moment to think about what you’re going to say could bring peace to your relationship—a reward that’s definitely worth the extra effort.
 
Start by reducing criticism of your partner. If you find yourself using the word “you” frequently when bringing up a difficult subject with your partner, what was intended to be a productive conversation, may end up being an emotionally charged conflict.

When something your partner does has upset you, and you want to hold him or her accountable, notice the moment. Your heart rate rises. You feel only your frustration. In those few seconds, try to remember that you would probably rather help prevent the problem from recurring, than cause your partner pain.

When you teach yourself to start a discussion without criticism, by saying “I feel” instead of “you are,” you’ll soon notice that your own defenses come down too. Try this next time: “I feel ‘x’ when ‘y’ happens. I need ‘z’.” For example, “I feel sad when we don’t do anything together on the weekend. I need some one-on-one time with you to feel connected.” Juxtapose the soft start-up above to this harsh start-up: “You never spend time with me on the weekend. I guess you just aren’t interested in doing anything with me.” The difference in communication is clear. The soft start-up approaches with an invitation to communicate productively. The harsh start-up criticizes your partner.

The reason a gentler start-up works is because kind words create a discussion in which you and your partner are still a team, not boxers in the ring. With the help of a couples counselor, you and your partner can recognize painful communication habits, and learn to replace them in a way that allows respect and admiration to remain, even when you argue.

Relationship Success Requires Giving Your Partner Priority Status

After years of meticulous observation, and study of thousands of couples, researcher Dr. John Gottman came to an important conclusion about successful long-term relationships. In the healthy relationships he studied, each person felt like a priority to the other.

Why is priority so important?

When your partner gives you priority, you feel safe, loved, and seen.

One of the reasons priority is so important is that it shows your partner you’re in tune with, and responsive to, his or her emotions. Responding to your partner’s emotional needs is crucial in relationships—you each need to know you have an effect on the person with whom you’re sharing your life.

Let’s say your partner has plans to attend a conference for work. Attending the conference is not mandatory, but it would be a good professional move to attend. If one of your parents suddenly becomes very ill, you might want your partner to stick around to deal with the crisis alongside you. You’d have emotional support, and just as importantly, you’d feel like your needs are a priority to your partner.

Love in a long-term relationship isn’t the dramatized agony of romantic movies; chances are, you wouldn’t want that kind of love anyway. Real-life, long-term love is singling your partner out as a priority in your life, demonstrating that you value each other’s companionship and care, and proving that your relationship is something you will go to great lengths to cultivate and preserve.

A great lasting romance means being partners.

How can you tell if you’re true partners?

Gottman found that priority and partnership are sometimes harder work in heterosexual relationships, due mostly to old stereotypical gender roles. Gottman believes that one of the main ingredients in a successful relationship is accepting influence from the other—another way of saying, “giving priority.”

Interestingly, Gottman found that the ability to accept influence mattered most in men. The women Gottman studied usually had much more practice accepting influence from men. The willingness of men to be women’s equal in their relationships can make a significant difference in creating a relationship that is a partnership.

Giving your partner priority is a promise you make to each other—that when things get tough and your partner needs you, you’ll be there, no question. When you give your partner priority, taking time out of your day to take on some of your partner’s responsibilities during a stressful period, you are responding positively to a request for help. When you put down your smart phone, tablet, computer, or turn off the TV, and spend a few minutes connecting with your partner, you show that your partner is a priority to you.

How can you start giving your partner priority status?

Giving your partner priority doesn’t come up only in dire situations like a parent’s serious illness. It can be as simple as connecting at the end of the day to share the day’s events with each other.

“What if we’re both so busy, we can’t find time to connect?” you might wonder. Making a few “five-minute connections” throughout your day can make a big difference when it comes to how important you feel in each other’s life. A small act of kindness from your partner, or a few minutes cuddling in the morning, lets you know you’re important even when your daily routines diverge.

Share moments and stresses from your day. When you listen to each other’s ups, downs, you demonstrate that you support your partner.

If you’re struggling to give priority to your partner, or feeling that you are not receiving a priority status from your partner, it’s a problem worth working on together. Prioritizing your partner in your life is a measure of commitment to your relationship. How much importance do you place on your relationship, and how much work are you willing to put into your relationship to make it last?

Research Proves It: Couples Who Play Together, Stay Together

You can probably think of one or two couples you know who seem perfect together—they have the same interests, same temperament, and they balance one another out. Yet every time you see them lately, neither looks quite as happy as they once did.

The perfect couple you know probably still love each other, but the love they have could be smudged, scuffed, and obscured by years of routine, stress at work, and time spent mostly on the kids.

Once upon a time, you might have thought of romantic love as an intense chemistry between two destined-for-each-other people. The truth is that even if you and your partner are perfectly matched, you’ll have to tend to and care for your relationship over the years.

Does that sound like a lot of work?

Before you start to worry about what the upkeep of a great partnership entails, know that the work your perfectly-matched friends might not be doing is having any fun together. Researcher John Gottman suggests that the myth of magical soulmate love belies the greater truth that your relationship thrives when it’s built on friendship.

Why is fun so valuable in a committed relationship?

Your relationship is a "job" with a high burn-out rate. A good relationship means being attentive and present, even when you’re tired, stressed, or have a short fuse after a long day—something that doesn’t always feel easy.

As in any high burn-out role, you and your partner can feel rejuvenated with a little bit of self-care. Self-care means checking in and taking your emotional temperature even—and especially—when things are chaotic.

Playing can be a great way for you and your partner to care for your relationship. When you do something fun together, you’re engaging with each other in a way that doesn’t involve talking about logistics like who will pick up groceries, or take the kids to school.

Maybe you and your partner have lost sight of each other in the routine; spontaneity brings your relationship back into focus. You can see each other in new ways, reviving your attraction and interest in the person sharing your life.

Play brings joy into your relationship—an invaluable resource when it comes to feeling good, and being flexible with your partner.

Having fun together can make a big difference in how you and your partner approach each other during conflict. If a lot of the time you spend together is positive, it’s much easier to approach an argument with understanding, and to let the conflict go when the time comes. If you have more negative interactions than positive, each conflict might seem like a sign of fundamental problems in your relationship.

Why is friendship more important than romantic passion?

When you think about favorite moments spent with your partner, many of your memories probably involve a time when you felt seen by your partner. Maybe your partner picked you up for a special lunch on a particularly challenging day at work.

Gestures like these are romantic, but more than that, they’re a hand extended in friendship. Paying attention to your partner’s needs and feelings says, “I’m here,” “how can I help?” and “things will get better.”

Showing up for your partner matters in the little moments—turning toward him when he makes a bid for your attention, or finding ways to bring him into your world throughout the day.

John Gottman discovered another surprising thing about marriages that last: Conflict is okay. What matters more is how you and your partner communicate with each other during the conflict. How you handle conflict together often comes down to how solid your friendship is—even when you’re angry, you act in a way that conveys you still care.

5 Ways Contempt Shows Up in Relationships & How to Avoid It

John Gottman has been studying couples for decades. By now, he and his team of researchers have a pretty good sense of what makes a marriage successful—and what doesn’t.

Sometimes a failed relationship is chalked up to becoming different people, having vastly different schedules, or having philosophical differences that were impossible to resolve.

While a relationship can appear to stop working for a number of reasons, there are usually bigger, more troubling conditions underlying the varied symptoms: One of those conditions is showing contempt toward your partner. In his lab, Gottman discovered that contempt predicted relationship difficulties and failure more than any other factor.

When contempt appears, one spouse feels “less than” the other. A hierarchy exists in place of a partnership.

Contempt makes it almost impossible to trust, hear, and live alongside someone you believe doesn’t respect you and regards you as someone in an inferior position in the relationship—especially when that person, your spouse or partner, is someone you should be able to rely on for emotional safety.

Contempt doesn’t rear its destructive head overnight. Gestures of contempt are often the product of weeks, months, even years of simmering discontentment with your partner.

So what does contempt look like?

· Verbal jabs
Verbal jabs are poison-tipped insults or names, like “stupid,” “ugly,” “jerk,” and even worse. A verbal jab is filled with undisguised contempt; it makes the person receiving the jab feel small and destroys their confidence. Insults and name-calling are never acceptable in a relationship.

· Hostile humor
Sometimes contempt is thinly veiled with sarcasm. When a comment is made at someone else’s expense, the person delivering the so-called humor might claim that it’s all in fun and question your ability to “take a joke.” It’s no joke when you are on the receiving end of hostile humor, and it’s also disrespectful if you and your partner don’t listen to one another and change the behavior.  Hostile humor is not funny and hurts the person on the receiving end.

· Mockery
Contempt in relationships can appear in more subtle ways. If your partner has negative feelings toward you and your relationship, he or she might make a mockery of your words and actions. Mockery eventually transforms relationships into a place where feelings of unworthiness, lack of trust, and lack of validation take over and replace the feelings of safety and security that a successful relationship requires.

· Body language
When you or your partner are angry and having conflict, contemptuous impulses may be hard to control. You may not even be aware of what is being communicated with body language. Contempt can be an eye roll, a sneer, looking away from your partner, arms crossed in front of the body, and other subtle and not-so-subtle body language. Contempt communicates that you or your partner have little regard for what the other has to say.

· Tone of voice
How you speak to your partner is a tell-tale sign of respect or contempt. When you speak calmly, your partner most likely feels understood and safe. When anger is expressed with a raised voice or shouting, it may feel more like an attack.

Can you diffuse contempt?

Gottman’s research shows that the antidote to contempt is to describe your own feelings and needs, rather than focusing on your partner. When you are communicating with your partner, and feel the urge to lash out in a contemptuous way, take a short break and look inside to identify your feelings and needs at the moment. Showing contempt toward your partner only creates a wider chasm in your relationship.

If you recognize the behaviors in the list above, it’s important to know that you and your partner have choices when contempt comes riding in to your relationship.

Here are some things to keep in mind:

· Don’t be drawn in.
When you’re feeling hurt and vulnerable, your impulse might be to lash out with reciprocated disgust; but hurting your partner won’t make you feel any better. Your response can have a powerful effect on how the contempt affects you, and it can potentially open a new door in the way your partner chooses to express frustration.

· Make respect the starting line.
If respect is the rule, the alarm bells of contempt are less likely to ring. Talking about how you’ll fight, and the treatment you each expect to receive before you’re angry, can sometimes ensure contempt isn’t a tool you and your partner ever feel like using.

· Pump the breaks.
Contempt is something that can overflow out of you, when maybe you intended to say nothing at all. If you know you’re feeling overwhelmingly negative, take some time alone. Get to the bottom of what’s bothering you. Return to your partner with a calm attitude that’s more productive than destructive.

Incorporating Rituals Increases Couples' Connection

What defines success in a relationship? Dr. John Gottman and his research team have studied thousands of couples, and found this: Happy couples have created mental maps of each other’s lives, they show affection and respect for each other, and they respond to each other positively—even during conflict. Happy partners value the dreams and ideas of the other.

These are the ingredients of a stable and healthy relationship. What Dr. Gottman has to say about bringing all of these ingredients together, to find lasting happiness in your relationship, sounds a lot like what positive psychology advocate, Martin Seligman, has to say about life: There are many ways to be happy, but finding meaning is perhaps the most deeply rewarding of all.

Why are shared meaning and rituals of connection so important?

“What’s the problem?” or “What’s going on in your relationship that brings you to see me?” may be the first question asked in couples and marriage counseling. In some cases, there is no immediate problem, conflict, or tension, but an unidentifiable dissatisfaction in the relationship. Yet years down the road, some couples who show no hostility or indifference to each other, still divorce.

Gottman and his researchers suggest that these relationship failures have less to do with problems that are present, and more to do with what’s missing.

Maybe the relationship advice you’ve gotten in the past advocated elaborate date nights or a weekend getaway. Maybe you’ve been told to have more sex, or to approach your sex life in a different way. While all of these suggestions can help, they leave much unsaid.

If you return from a romantic weekend retreat with you partner, and find that the lack of connection you felt at home still lingers, you and your partner might find the connection you’re missing is a spiritual one. You’re missing a culture of symbols and rituals that are unique to your marriage. You’re missing expressions of appreciation for the roles you play for one another, and the goals you share together.

How can you go about creating shared meaning in your relationship?

Growing up, the symbols and rituals through which your family connected probably held great meaning. Maybe you find that the memory of a particular board game, or watching football on Sundays, still strums internal chords of belonging and family communion.

It’s also possible that recalling the rituals from your past causes you pain or discomfort. Maybe connection wasn’t the centerpiece of your family life at all.

The wonder and importance of creating shared meaning with your partner is that this time, you get to choose. The rituals you create can be as simple as a long kiss in the morning, before you both leave the house. Maybe you drink tea together and talk about your day, after the kids are in bed.

Rituals can be more formal too: What holiday traditions from each of your pasts do you most cherish? What do you wish had been different about the traditions you didn’t enjoy? Talk about how you can bring your personalities and values together to build new meaning.

There are lots of opportunities for building personally meaningful rituals of connection. Think about:

· How you leave each other for work.

· How you reunite after time apart.

· Carving out time each day to offer a supportive shoulder, and share personal stresses.

· Avoiding conflict during mealtime; cultivating attention and affection instead.

· Frequent expressions of gratitude.

· How you take care of each other when you’re sick.

· Celebrating milestones.

· When and how sex is initiated, and how you talk about sex—finding ways to share physical intimacy even, when you’re busy or stressed.

Rituals in a relationship are the things that you can count on to be present every day, every week, and every year. Establishing rituals creates a narrative backdrop connecting you and your partner again and again, decades into your relationship.

How Criticizing Your Partner Can Harm Your Relationship

Do you criticize your partner?

Frequently?

In private or in public?

If the answer to most of the above is “yes,” you are probably harming your relationship.

If your partner objects to criticism, you probably fight a lot. Maybe he or she then criticizes you back. You both feel hurt and, later helpless.

Criticism on a regular basis inflicts emotional pain. But maybe you don’t even realize what you are doing, because your partner has already withdrawn from you to protect himself.

What is going on here?

The Oxford Dictionary defines criticism as “the expression of disapproval of someone or something on the basis of perceived faults or mistakes.”

This definition contains two important elements regarding why criticism can harm your relationship: “disapproval” and “perceived faults.”

Disapproval

Disapproval is a major ingredient in toxic relationships. It’s a negative judgment, a withholding of affection and support. It also usually signals a position of power, or perceived superiority that gives the “disapprover” a sense of entitlement to criticize.

Disapproval is meant to hurt.

It’s involved with toxic parenting, inducing feelings of shame and inadequacy. Many people learn the strategy of disapproval in order to control very early in their lives, from disapproving parents.

Perceived faults

Criticism says a lot more about you than about the person you are criticizing.

The faults that you are pointing out are filtered through your own perception. In other words, they reflect and express your judgment. From another point of view, they may not even be faults at all.

What is missing is a sense of self-awareness.

What is also missing is a sense of respect for your partner as an equal, who makes his or her own decisions in life.

Criticism is a form of aggression

If you have trouble expressing angry with your partner, criticizing can be a less open form of aggression. You hide behind a “comment” on his behavior, so that you don’t have to own your own feelings.

Shaming

Because of the element of toxic disapproval, people often feel shamed when they are criticized. This is particularly true when it’s directed at who they are, rather than at what they do.

And the worst experience of being shamed is public humiliation. Public criticism can cause major psychological and emotional wounding that will affect your partner and your relationship for a long time.

Constructive criticism

The invention of the term “constructive criticism” is an acknowledgment of the fact that criticism is usually destructive. Constructive criticism is more a form of participatory advice, showing that you are part of the “team,” and that you feel a stake in improving a situation.

What are you trying to achieve?

If you know all this, you’ve seen the effects of your criticism, and still cannot stop criticizing your partner, ask yourself what you’re trying to achieve.

If your partner changed his or her behavior completely in line with your criticism, would you be happier?

What can your criticism of you partner tell you about what’s missing in your relationship? Is he right when he assumes that, deep down, you don’t like him?

Criticism as a failed form of connection

When you criticize your partner, you’re trying to make contact. But the form of contact you are choosing is hurtful.

So what if you tried to make contact in a positive way?

What if you started by saying that you are upset or angry, and why that is?

What if you remembered that this is the person you chose to live with, and what you really want from this important relationship in your life, both for him and for yourself?

Maybe you can try that the next time you feel the urge to criticize.

Maybe it will give you a little bit of the contact you long for.

Learning to Fight Fair: Avoiding the "Stonewall" Response in an Argument

Fighting couples stay together – but only those who fight fair.

‘Fighting’ isn’t even quite the right word here. What helps to create and sustain a healthy relationship is the ability to recognize, express, and work on conflicts together.

What doesn’t help is a refusal to engage with your partner. In its more extreme form, this is called “stonewalling,” which means shutting down communication and letting your partner run into a painful and unresponsive “stone wall.”

Examples of “stonewalling”

You ask your partner to take care of a weekend task, and he turns away to read the paper, muttering under his breath.

You get up your courage to approach a delicate subject, such as your love life, and he says he doesn’t have time to talk about it. When you insist, he moves away to another room, either in complete silence or with a nasty remark. After that, it’s never the right time to talk.

But maybe it is your husband who wants to voice his disappointment with your lack of support, and you’re the one who turns away and doesn’t engage?

“Stonewalling” and “time out”

Although they are both forms of withdrawal from conflict, there is a huge difference between stonewalling and time out.

Sometimes, an argument gets to a point where one of the partners can no longer tolerate the intensity of his or her feelings. Calling for a “time out” communicates the need for time alone before resuming the discussion. “Stonewalling” means leaving the scene or staying pointedly silent indefinitely, and possibly avoiding the subject forever.

“Stonewalling” and nagging

“Stonewalling” men often accuse their partners of “nagging.” But this “nagging” can actually be a somewhat desperate response to persistent “stonewalling” – ignored attempts at communication, either with the partner, or the issues she brings up.

What is behind the “stonewall” response

Withholding communication can be a very powerful tool in an unhealthy relationship. The withholding partner can gain power from denying the other partner contact, communication, and other needs. But ultimately, withholding is a sign of fear. The withholder is unable to respond, afraid of losing control. The stonewall response can be the last resort of someone who feels that he has no other communication tools left.

How to react when your partner is “stonewalling” you

Again, first recognize what is happening.

Ask your partner directly to engage with you. If he still refuses, calmly communicate your response and your boundaries: “I don’t want us to go on playing out this pattern. Could you let me know when it’s a good time to talk?”

If the “stonewalling” goes on for a long time, or if you start to feel afraid, then it’s time to seek couples counseling. Discuss your failed communication in the presence of a professional who can guide you toward productive communication.

How to stop yourself from slipping into the “stonewall” response

First, recognize the signs. You may feel it’s all getting too much for you. You may feel overwhelmed. You may feel unreasonably angry. You may even be at a point in your relationship where you don’t have much hope for the future. (This is when a lot of the more extreme “stonewalling” occurs.) Observe yourself, and notice what happens just before you feel the urge to stonewall your partner.

Then, try to communicate. This is difficult, particularly when “stonewalling” is the result of fear. But just saying a few words can make all the difference and turn “stonewalling” into “time out.” Maybe you can practice by yourself before the situation heats up.

Don’t stonewall yourself. Allow yourself to feel your feelings; don’t shut them down.

Fighting fair – the tools

Remember the main tools of “fighting fair,” and work out a conflict together:

1. Speak for yourself, not for someone else.

2. Listen.

3. Don’t make assumptions, ask questions.

4. Avoid the words “never” and “always.”

5. Don’t accuse, explain how you feel.

6. Take responsibility both for your anger and your fear.

7. Allow time and space for compassion.

8. Remember that your partner is not the enemy.

9. Don’t give up, don’t run away, don’t stonewall.

10. Above all, remember that you are talking to your partner – the person you love.